5 Tips For Couples That Constantly Break Up and Get Back Together

There are those couples that like to fight viciously, break up, hook up two weeks later, and then decide to get back together—until they inevitably break up again. You probably know a couple like that. And when you’re watching the destruction from a safe distance, it’s easy to cast judgment.

But being part of a couple that can’t cut the cord can be a frustrating, alienating experience—albeit an increasingly common one.


“There’s a new phenomenon I’m seeing in my office where people cannot get away from each other, but they keep on hurting each other,” says Sara Schwarzbaum, founder of Couples Counseling Associates in Chicago.

She attributes this to a recent cultural shift caused by—what else?—social media.

“In the 70s and 80s—before the ability to find anyone, any time, all the time—people were able to cut it off a little more dramatically than now,” Schwarzbaum says. 

Now she sees people texting back and forth after a break up—and there’s an addictive quality about constantly being able to contact the other person, she adds.

Breaking up and getting back together doesn’t necessarily mean a relationship is doomed, but taking the following steps can help both of you avoid repeating the vicious cycle.

Here’s what you should know if you get stuck in it.

RECOGNIZE THE WARNING SIGNS

“Relationship experts who work with couples in distress know there are stages in relationships,” says Schwarzbaum. “The first stage—the romantic stage—is the one everyone associates with love, but it’s actually only the first one, and it doesn’t last.”

Schwarzbaum says that volatile couples tend to have trouble getting through the next phase of a relationship—when differences appear and things aren’t so perfect anymore.

“That’s generally when problems arise,” she says.

For a lot of couples, that second stage doesn’t begin until they move in together. That’s when the four major characteristics of “break-up-make-up couples” become more prominent: There’s increasing criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and withdrawal.

And that cycle continues after you and your partner get back together, Schwarzbaum explains.
So how can you successfully break that cycle?