Understanding how men think and what
they need in a relationship makes an enormous difference in the way you
are able to relate to one another.
The top prerequisite for being in a great
relationship is to be your best self. A trap that many people in
relationships fall into is blaming their partner when problems arise.
Rather than seeing what they can do to make things better, they blame
him for not being what they want and think that if only he did XYZ, then
everything would be fine.
It doesn’t work that way, though. You
can’t ever make someone what you want them to be. All you can do is
bring your best. When you do this, the other person will usually rise up
and match you at this level.
Here are six ways to be the most amazing girlfriend ever
1. Be Direct (Not Passive Aggressive)
The majority of problems in a relationship
occur because the woman expects a man to meet her needs, and then
resents him when he doesn’t. She doesn’t ask for what she wants because
he should just “know.” She may drop hints to help him out and then
become even more annoyed when he doesn’t pick up on them. The man, in
turn, gets frustrated that nothing he does seems to be good enough.
Eventually he gets discouraged and stops trying and she feels even more
resentful.
Neither side has bad intentions, the
problem is they aren’t communicating properly and the reason is because
men and women have very different styles of communication. Men do not
pick up on nuances and subtleties in the same way women do, they need
things spelled out in a clear and direct manner.
If you’re mad at him, don’t act passive
aggressive until he asks what’s wrong (to which you may reply “nothing,”
and he’ll take that to mean nothing is wrong and you will continue to
simmer because he should freakin’ know it’s something!), just tell him
what it is he did wrong. In relationships it’s not usually what you say,
it’s how you say it.
If you tell a guy
something he is doing that is upsetting or hurting you in a loving,
compassionate way, I guarantee he will try to fix it.
If you come
from a place of anger or resentment, he’ll shut down and will be less
motivated to correct it. Freud is regarded as one of the most brilliant
minds in psychology and even he had no idea what women want, so how do
you expect the average guy to do it?
Most arguments in relationships stem from
deeper underlying issues that never get discussed or resolved. Maybe a
woman feels like her guy doesn’t really care about her, or isn’t
committed to her because he isn’t as attentive as he was in the
beginning of the relationship, and instead of being direct about it, she
freaks out on him if he doesn’t call her back one night or doesn’t do
the dishes after she slaved away cooking dinner for him. From there a
big fight may ensue over something trivial while the real issue goes
untouched. When you want something, or don’t want something, just tell
him.
2. Appreciate Him
Most women don’t realize how starved men
are for appreciation, I certainly had no idea until I started writing
about relationships full-time. The problem is that we usually love
others the way we like to feel love. Women typically feel loved when a
man is being giving and attentive to her and her needs. In turn, many
women will be extra giving to their man, and while this is very nice and
appreciated, it’s not what men really crave.
What a man deeply desires is feeling
acknowledged and appreciated for what he provides. He wants to feel like
his efforts were a success–this applies to everything he does from
taking you out for a fancy dinner to taking out the trash.
If he takes you out on a nice date,
acknowledge and appreciate him for it and tell him you had an amazing
time. Men are typically more responsive to compliments about something
they have done rather than who they are. Women don’t usually realize
this because women like general compliments of the you’re so
pretty/nice/fun/caring sort. Telling a man he’s thoughtful doesn’t have
the same impact as saying something he did or provided was thoughtful,
such as: “Thank you for doing the dishes, that was so thoughtful of
you.”
When a woman really sees and appreciates
her man, it makes him feel like the ultimate winner and he will do
anything to keep her happy.
Another important relationship skill is to try and see the intention behind an action, and appreciate that.
I have a
personal example for this. Years ago I was dating a guy and one night he
called and asked if he could come over. It was getting late and I was
exhausted, but he said he’d be over in a half hour so I agreed. An hour
and half later he still hadn’t arrived and I was fuming! Where could he
be? Why is he even bothering to come over this late? Why do I have to
wait up for him when I just need sleep!
He finally showed up carrying something
that smelled delicious. I immediately went off on him for making me wait
up for him and he sheepishly said, “I’m sorry, I wanted to surprise you
and bring over a quesadilla from that place you love because I know
you’ve been working so hard and barely have time to eat.” Even though I
was starving and had been fiending for a quesadilla, my anger didn’t
subside and the rest of the night was uncomfortable and tense.
The mistake I made was in looking at the
action (him being late), rather than the intention (him wanting to do
something nice to me happy). I’m not saying I shouldn’t have been
annoyed by his lateness, but the night probably would have gone a lot
differently had I appreciated his good intentions…and then after I could
have nicely mentioned that the next time there’s an hour-long line at
the place he should just buy me a bag of chips and call it a day!
No one is perfect and no matter how great
your relationship, there will be times when he isn’t doing something
exactly the way you’d like him to. You’ll get a lot further, and do a
huge service to your relationship, if you focus on what he is doing
right rather than on what he isn’t.
3. Give Him Space When He Needs It
Another major difference between men and woman is in the way they handle stress and
difficulties. While women typically seek out their friends and want to
to talk about it, men would rather retreat into the proverbial man cave
and deal with it on their own. A woman might get upset when this happens
and think he’s shutting her out, but it really has nothing to do with
her, it’s just how he deals with things.
If your boyfriend seems stressed and begins to withdraw, just let him
be. Don’t coddle him or offer unsolicited advice or get on his case
about why he isn’t confiding in you. If he wants to talk about it with
you, he will. If he doesn’t and you continue to push him, you will just
be another source of stress in his life that he needs to deal with and
he’ll withdraw even further.
Men intuitively know that it isn’t easy for a woman to give him space when he needs it, and if you can do it without feeling angry or resentful towards him, you’ll be the woman who touches him more deeply than any other.
4. Maintain Your Own Life Outside of the Relationship
This tip
isn’t just for his sake, it’s for your own. I swear sometimes I feel
like I should throw a goodbye party when a friend of mine gets a
boyfriend because she’ll literally fall off the map! I know I won’t be
seeing her at Sunday brunches or fun nights out. She won’t want to come
away with the girls for the weekend. Getting face time with her will
never be easy and eventually you give up and resign yourself to the fact
that you’ll either see her again at her wedding, or if she becomes
single again (in which case, she’ll be back in full force and down for
anything!).
It’s not just my friends, women make this mistake all the time (myself included!).
They get into a relationship and the guy becomes the sole center of their universe. This is never healthy!
For one thing, it kind of puts your
relationship in a holding pattern and creates a scenario where you can
be dating for years and years without taking the next step. If a guy is
getting all of you, all the time, there’s no reason for him to take that
extra step, but this is a whole other discussion.
Another issue is your relationship can’t
be your only source of happiness and fulfillment, you need to have a
balanced life with several components filling you up in different areas.
If you throw all of that away for your guy, then you add a lot of
pressure to the relationship and will never feel completely satisfied
with what you’re getting from the relationship (mostly because no one
can be your everything). You may start to resent your partner and feel
that he owes you more since you gave up so much for him, but that’s not
fair because the sacrifices you made were your choice. Another reason
not maintaining your own life outside of the relationship is problematic
is you may end up staying in a bad relationship for far longer than you
should have because, well, you have nothing else to go back to
anything.
Men typically fall in love with a woman in
her absence, not her presence. If you’re always there he won’t
experience that deepening of the bond. To keep your relationship fresh
and invigorating, it’s essential to have time apart to do your own
things. It gives you a break from the emotional intoxication of
relationships so you can see things more objectively and it takes some
pressure off the relationship so it can unfold more organically.
I know it’s tempting to hang out with him
every time he asks, I know it’s flattering when a guy wants so much of
your time, I know you may think it’s because he is just so crazy about
you… and maybe he is, but giving in every single time is just not a good
strategy. If he’s a decent guy, he’ll respect your boundaries and will
encourage you to do your own thing on occasion.
5. Take Care of Yourself
Don’t stop working out, eating healthy,
getting waxed, shaving your legs, blow-drying your hair, or any other
healthy or beautifying activities that were a part of your life
pre-relationship. Yes, it’s easy to slide into a more laissez-faire
approach when you’re in a relationship, but if you do that then it won’t
be long before you’re searching up and down to retrieve the burning
spark that once existed.
Look, you don’t need to be red carpet
ready at all times, but you really should make an effort to try to
maintain your appearance and look good for your guy. You put your best
face forward during those first few months of dating and there’s no
reason for it to stop once things are more established.
It will keep the
passion and lust alive in your relationship and also, it feels really
good to a man when a woman puts in effort to look good for him.
The funny thing I notice is women in
relationships (again, myself included), will lounge around the house in
sweats and a messy bun and no makeup when they’re home with their guy,
but will put on a face-full of makeup and get decked out when going out,
to impress strangers? The whole thing is so backwards. A guy friend
once lamented to me that his girlfriend had put on about 15 pounds since
they started dating and canceled her gym membership.
He told me he was still very much attracted to her, but he just couldn’t
understand why she wasn’t taking care of herself anymore and that was
more of a turn-off than the weight gain. He felt like she just didn’t
care anymore and he felt stuck because there was no way to say something
without her being offended and hurt. He pleaded with me to spread the
gospel and tell women that while his love isn’t only contingent on your
physical appearance, it’s really important (and attractive) to continue
taking care of yourself at the same level as when you first met… and so I
have!
6. Smile!
This is another tip that will enormously
help your relationship, but also your life in general. Men cannot resist
a woman with a smile. In fact, every guy I know has said a positive
attitude is the number one most attractive quality a woman can have.
Look, life isn’t always going to be rainbows and sunshine, sometimes the
poop hits the fan, but your life will be a much better place overall if
you can tackle it all with a smile and the conviction that it will all
work out.
This kind of energy is infectious, it
draws people toward you, and it makes you the kind of woman he wants to
be with forever. Don’t use your guy as a sounding board or your
relationship as an emotional dumping ground. When your guy comes home,
greet him with a smile…and then vent if you had a rough day and need to
let it out.
Try to see the good in all situations, both in your relationship and
outside of it. The things that happen in our lives, for the most part,
are neutral, what makes them good or bad is our perception and the
thoughts we attach to that event.
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